I'm afraid to go to my endocrinologist. I might even find a new one, so I don't have to see mine again. I have not seen him for a year, when I was supposed to come back after 3 months. I couldn't afford the co pay, for the visit, or for the thyroid meds. I am sure that at least part of my depression is because my thyroid is out of whack. I know I feel better when I do take synthroid, but I am embarrassed that I can't even afford the co pay. And, even if I could, I'd have to take the kids, which the Dr. hates. He is single, and has no kids, so he has no realistic idea of what my life is like. He told me I should work out for 2 HOURS everyday. At the point he told me that, I had a 4 week old baby, a toddler, & a 9 year old. when was I going to fit 2 hours in? Oh, I could have given up the 4 hours of sleep a night I was getting total. Not that I get much more now, but now they are usually in a row, instead of in 40 minute increments :) . I know I need to work out, and I try. But, since I feel so crappy, it is hard to get motivated, evn though I know excersize helps you feel better. What I am going to try & do is have the office call in a blood test & prescription for me, then start taking meds again. As I feel a bit better, I will add more movement to my daily routine. I have already been trying to eat better, more veggies, & less junk. I need to lose 60-70 lbs. Even that will leave me overweight, but much more towards healthy. Surprisingly, my Blood sugar is fine, my heart is fine, my cholesterol is fine. I am healthy, even thought I am fat, & out of shape. I'm depressed, but I'll be ok. I've been through this before, I'll go through it again. Even though I am stressed with the kids, they are my reason for living, for getting out of bed everyday. If I didn't have them, I would have self destructed a long time ago.

Since I'm anonymous here, I do feel fairly safe saying some things that I don't talk about in real life. My marrige is pretty much a joke. We don't communicate, My husband hates that I have gained weight, and we never see each other. We are unhappy. If we were to spilt up, we would be in worse financial shape, even though he would probably recover quicker. He is not a very emotional person, and I am. I hide a lot of the way I feel from him, as it wouldn't matter much to him anyway. I am sick of crying. Maybe this is all magnified because of my depressive state, maybe not. I just don't know right now. I hate this a lot. I need to be better.

I don't want my kids to see me cry, but I have been crying off & on the last 2 days because of money. My brother is taking our dirty clothes to the laundrymat, as I can't afford to do that. He doesn't want to give me cash, which kind of upsets me, as I need food too, but doing the laundry that has been piling up for 2 weeks is a huge help. I still need to find some grocery money, I want to ask my mom, but I know she doesn't have it either. She is in bad shape financially too, as she takes care of 2 youger siblings living at home, one disabled, and my stepfather, who is also disabled. I hate even asking her, I feel so bad. But honestly, I have no one else. We owe my in laws money, which we can't pay back now, and I can't ask them for more. Yuck. I just hate feeling like this, I know it has to get better, but when? My husband is leaving his job to move to another location the week after next, and the guys want to go out & celebrate. I have no money to give him to go out. I hope they plan on paying. If not, he will just drink water & deal. I can't give him what we don't have. Meanwhile, I am stressing. crying, feeling like crap, cause I don't have anything nice to wear for my cousins wedding next week. The call has gone out for hand me downs, but no one else in my family is as big as I am, most of them are size 5 or smaller. I am rambling and upset, I have to stop.

I hate being in a depressive stae, which I am in right now. I brke down on the phone wwithmy dad, because it is a payweek, and still , we have no money left after paying bills. Not even for groceries, but I had to pay some stuff, or we would have no power, our phone would be shut off, and our car would be repossessed. I felt horrible complaining to him, as he just declared bankruptcy. He has no money either, just his pension once a month, which he has $80 to last him the rest of the month. I am trying to sell stuff on Craigslist & Ebay, but really, we have nothing worth selling. I'm getting frustrated. I'm trying so hard. and the depression is making EVERYTHING worse. I hae nothing to wear to my cousins wedding next week, I tried freecycle, and no one even responded. I am so sad. Somehting needs to change, I'm getting to the end of my rope here.

I am probably the most boring person you will ever meet. I stay at home with my kids, I work part time, and that's about it. I watch far too much television& spend too much time on the internet. I have very few friends, and have a hard time keeping up with them. Most if them are single, and/or don't have kids. This is tons different from how my life used to be. I used to be fun, i used to be interesting, I used to be outgoing, and organized, & cared what I looked like. I shower everyday, but don't always get dressed. I have gained 70 lbs in the last 6 years, partly due to hypothyroid, and also because of my crappy eating habits. I hate the way I look, and an insecure. I have tried to meet new mommy friends, but have been shunned more than once. I'm not skinny enough, or AP enough, or I didn't breastfeed, or whatever. I can almost deal with the rejection, even though it stings. What kills me is that really, my younger kids don't have any friends. They have each other, so it's almost ok, but I really need to get my 3 1/2 yr old into preschool. It's an expense we can't afford. I looked into Head Start, but we make too much to qualify. Even our park district is more than we can afford. I'm hoping by the time he is 4 in February, we will have things a little more under control, so I can do that for him. Anyway, I an off on a tangent, which is why I will never be a good writer :)

I really would like to get around to posting about my kids someday, as I really do love them, but I am having trouble deciding how much info is too personal. I know there are people who post pics, and I would love to do that someday. I am fairly anonymous here, but there are people I do not want to find me. So, I'm struggling with that.

I will most likely go back to work full time when my boys are in school all day. Or, when I would only have to pay for daycare for 1, instead of 2. so, minimum 3 years before I will be able to have a full time schedule. That's a LONG time. I would like to stay with the company I am with, as I am used to it. I have some issues with bipolar disorder, OCD & panic attacks, so unfamiliar places/situations don't always turn out so well. This is the longest I have ever worked at one place, and I feel comfortable there. I know what needs to be done, & how to do it. I get free rein on how I want to run the front end, and manage cashiers. I love the paperwork. Part of the reason I love this store so much is that I was there in the beginning. I helped set up the store & open it. I take a huge amount of pride in it.

I'm waiting to hear if my friend has had her baby yet. She is due October 9th. We were supposed to do something yesterday, but I called her, and went straight to voicemail. I'm guessing she was in labor. We're not super close, so I guess it will be a few days before I hear anything. It's her first, a girl. I can't wait.

My job is in retail, which I sometimes love, & sometimes hate. I've been at my store for 5 years, so I make a pretty good amount of money hourly, better than I made when I worked in an office, actually. Also, since I have been there a long time, I am afforded a certain amount of leeway. I pretty much do a management job, and I have been told that when I come back full time, I would be promoted soon. The problem is that even with a promotion, and a raise, I would actually end up LOSING money due to 2 kids in daycare. I have told my company how much I need to be able to be back full time, and they are not willing at this time to pay it. Maybe in the future, but not now. So, essentially, I work to keep food in the house, and gas in our car.