34 today

It's kind of depressing when your family forgets your birthday.

The kindness of strangers

Today, a very unexpected thing happened to me. It was probably one of the nicest thigs anyone has ever done for me actually. It actually made me feel Christmassy for the first time this year. I was grocery shopping with my 2 youngest this morning. While we were in teh store, I was checking my lsit, comparing coupons, & figuring out what I could afford to buy. I was approached by a very nice lady. She was telling me about all the buy one, get one free specials foir the holidays. I showed her the ones I had gotten, & explained thta I was on a very strict budget, so my kids could have a nice Christmas. We talked for a minute, said Merry Christmas, and went our seperate ways. When I was finished at the checkout, she came to me with 4 bags full of food, and put them in my cart. She had gotten all the buy one get one free specials, and was giving me the "free" ones. I offered her money, she said no, she remembers what it was like to have small children, & struggle to buy food. I almost cried. I said Thank you, and she walked away. It restores my faith in humanity. I am so happy. It helps us so much to be able to have some extras sometimes.

I hate the holidays. I can't wait until they are over.

I've been a bit better lately, partly because of the thyroid meds, partly because I am in kind of a manic phase. I've been cleaning my house like crazy, and organizing & geting rid of tons of stuff. It's not enough though, because we still have too much crap for our small apartment. With Christmas coming, I know we will get even more useless crap for the kids. We don't buy much, I only spend maye $50 per kid, and only my own. Besides that, I only buy 3 $30 presents for the kids grab bag on Christmas. We don't buy for adults, and no one buys for us. I would love to be able to shop for my nieces & nephews, (I have 4) but the truth is, their parents have a lot more disposable income than we do, and they get pretty much anything they want anyway. I won't let my SIL's or BIL's buy for our kids either, even though they sneak gifts in through Grandma & Grandpa. I feel bad. My kids always have a decent Christmas, which I am greatful for, as there is no way I could afford to do it by myself. My parents love buying stuff for the boys. If I even NEED anything that I can't find at the thrift store, or at Target, I ask, and usually it turns up. I ONLY ask if it's for the boys though, I don't ask for money to pay bills, or anything like that. I am thankful that small things can be taken care of by someone else, even though sometimes, I would really appreciate if they would babysit for a night or 2 sometime more. I know we are in bad shape financially, but it could be worse. We do have enough money to have a roof over our heads, it's just that some months are a bit leaner than others. We can handle it, I think. If everything goes according to plan, we will be mostly debt free in 18 months. Then we can start saving for a house :)

This was out first Thanksgiving since my aunt L died in July. She & her daughter C spent most holidays with us, so this one was really hard. She was very missed. C spent Thanksgiving with us, as usual, but said that she is going to visit her half brother & his family in Washington for Christmas, as it is really hard this year. L was a special woman, and her death was unexpected. She went into the hospital for minor surgery, then died. She was only 62. She was another mom to my stepsister, another "grandma" to my kids (as she had no grandkids of her own), and a best friend to my mom. We missed her a lot. We talked about her a bit, but stopped because everyone was crying. It just isn't fair.

We are all doing ok though, and a cool thing happend. I won an 80GB IPOD! I wanted one for a long time, but couldn't justify the frivolous expense. There is a lot I could do with $250. :) But, now one is on it's way to me! What a great holiday surprise.

Endocrinologist appointment went bad. The Dr was great, the office was fine, I'm horrible actually. I gained 10 more pounds in 3 weeks. My thyroid levels are horrible, which I knoew they would be, as I have not been on meds for more than 2 months now. He is concerned about diabetes. So, I'm monitoring, just like I needed to do during my last 2 pregnancies. He is making me go see a regular Doctor for some more health issues. My blood pressure is good at least, but then again, it always is. The first step is to get my thyroid under control. I had just been diagnosed hypothyroid and had been on meds less than 6 weeks before I got pregnant with my youngest. It has never really been completely under control since. The Doc said that he feels that once we get my thyroid to a good place, my depression will be lessened. He does not really feel that I will probably lose much weight at all, which makes me sad. Not that I ever am going to be a size 4 again, but a size 12 or 14 would be nice. :) I'm trying to be patient, but I am sick of feeling this way, and want to sleep again someday.

So, we had JN's 18 month appointment on Tuesday, and I am really not happy with how it went. I love my pediatrician, but I think he was having an "off" day, because he was just not as friendly as he usually is. I knw he has small children, so maybe he just had a bad night. But, anyway, JN is very overweight for his age. He did not tell me a percentage, but usually he is at about the 97% range (and has been since birth), and on the chart, I could see thta it was a lot higher than that (maybe 110%) So, we are switching to 1% milk, and eating more veggies. I try & feed my kids in the healthiest way possible. I have just been so stressed & depressed (also, poor) that I have not really been into cooking, so we had a lot of mac & cheese & chicken nuggets. So, we need to work on that. He is also speech delayed, which I have suspected for a while. What I am upset about is that the ped said we should wait 6 months, and see if he starts talking more on his own, before we go forth with an evaluation. I agreed to 2 months, as I AM concerned. JN does not talk as much as his brothers did at this age. He makes sounds, but the only recognizable words are Mama & Dada. he's also not as much of a babbler as they were. Graantedm he walked MONTHS earlier than either of his brothers. So, Jan 2, I am calling & pushing for an evaluation. I just wish I had pushed more the other day. I am not good with confrontation (and if my husband ever finds & reads this blog, he is falling over laughing right now) with authority figures. 2 months really is acceptable, I'm just frustrated & upset with myslef right now.

I'm afraid to go to my endocrinologist. I might even find a new one, so I don't have to see mine again. I have not seen him for a year, when I was supposed to come back after 3 months. I couldn't afford the co pay, for the visit, or for the thyroid meds. I am sure that at least part of my depression is because my thyroid is out of whack. I know I feel better when I do take synthroid, but I am embarrassed that I can't even afford the co pay. And, even if I could, I'd have to take the kids, which the Dr. hates. He is single, and has no kids, so he has no realistic idea of what my life is like. He told me I should work out for 2 HOURS everyday. At the point he told me that, I had a 4 week old baby, a toddler, & a 9 year old. when was I going to fit 2 hours in? Oh, I could have given up the 4 hours of sleep a night I was getting total. Not that I get much more now, but now they are usually in a row, instead of in 40 minute increments :) . I know I need to work out, and I try. But, since I feel so crappy, it is hard to get motivated, evn though I know excersize helps you feel better. What I am going to try & do is have the office call in a blood test & prescription for me, then start taking meds again. As I feel a bit better, I will add more movement to my daily routine. I have already been trying to eat better, more veggies, & less junk. I need to lose 60-70 lbs. Even that will leave me overweight, but much more towards healthy. Surprisingly, my Blood sugar is fine, my heart is fine, my cholesterol is fine. I am healthy, even thought I am fat, & out of shape. I'm depressed, but I'll be ok. I've been through this before, I'll go through it again. Even though I am stressed with the kids, they are my reason for living, for getting out of bed everyday. If I didn't have them, I would have self destructed a long time ago.

Since I'm anonymous here, I do feel fairly safe saying some things that I don't talk about in real life. My marrige is pretty much a joke. We don't communicate, My husband hates that I have gained weight, and we never see each other. We are unhappy. If we were to spilt up, we would be in worse financial shape, even though he would probably recover quicker. He is not a very emotional person, and I am. I hide a lot of the way I feel from him, as it wouldn't matter much to him anyway. I am sick of crying. Maybe this is all magnified because of my depressive state, maybe not. I just don't know right now. I hate this a lot. I need to be better.

I don't want my kids to see me cry, but I have been crying off & on the last 2 days because of money. My brother is taking our dirty clothes to the laundrymat, as I can't afford to do that. He doesn't want to give me cash, which kind of upsets me, as I need food too, but doing the laundry that has been piling up for 2 weeks is a huge help. I still need to find some grocery money, I want to ask my mom, but I know she doesn't have it either. She is in bad shape financially too, as she takes care of 2 youger siblings living at home, one disabled, and my stepfather, who is also disabled. I hate even asking her, I feel so bad. But honestly, I have no one else. We owe my in laws money, which we can't pay back now, and I can't ask them for more. Yuck. I just hate feeling like this, I know it has to get better, but when? My husband is leaving his job to move to another location the week after next, and the guys want to go out & celebrate. I have no money to give him to go out. I hope they plan on paying. If not, he will just drink water & deal. I can't give him what we don't have. Meanwhile, I am stressing. crying, feeling like crap, cause I don't have anything nice to wear for my cousins wedding next week. The call has gone out for hand me downs, but no one else in my family is as big as I am, most of them are size 5 or smaller. I am rambling and upset, I have to stop.

I hate being in a depressive stae, which I am in right now. I brke down on the phone wwithmy dad, because it is a payweek, and still , we have no money left after paying bills. Not even for groceries, but I had to pay some stuff, or we would have no power, our phone would be shut off, and our car would be repossessed. I felt horrible complaining to him, as he just declared bankruptcy. He has no money either, just his pension once a month, which he has $80 to last him the rest of the month. I am trying to sell stuff on Craigslist & Ebay, but really, we have nothing worth selling. I'm getting frustrated. I'm trying so hard. and the depression is making EVERYTHING worse. I hae nothing to wear to my cousins wedding next week, I tried freecycle, and no one even responded. I am so sad. Somehting needs to change, I'm getting to the end of my rope here.

I am probably the most boring person you will ever meet. I stay at home with my kids, I work part time, and that's about it. I watch far too much television& spend too much time on the internet. I have very few friends, and have a hard time keeping up with them. Most if them are single, and/or don't have kids. This is tons different from how my life used to be. I used to be fun, i used to be interesting, I used to be outgoing, and organized, & cared what I looked like. I shower everyday, but don't always get dressed. I have gained 70 lbs in the last 6 years, partly due to hypothyroid, and also because of my crappy eating habits. I hate the way I look, and an insecure. I have tried to meet new mommy friends, but have been shunned more than once. I'm not skinny enough, or AP enough, or I didn't breastfeed, or whatever. I can almost deal with the rejection, even though it stings. What kills me is that really, my younger kids don't have any friends. They have each other, so it's almost ok, but I really need to get my 3 1/2 yr old into preschool. It's an expense we can't afford. I looked into Head Start, but we make too much to qualify. Even our park district is more than we can afford. I'm hoping by the time he is 4 in February, we will have things a little more under control, so I can do that for him. Anyway, I an off on a tangent, which is why I will never be a good writer :)

I really would like to get around to posting about my kids someday, as I really do love them, but I am having trouble deciding how much info is too personal. I know there are people who post pics, and I would love to do that someday. I am fairly anonymous here, but there are people I do not want to find me. So, I'm struggling with that.

I will most likely go back to work full time when my boys are in school all day. Or, when I would only have to pay for daycare for 1, instead of 2. so, minimum 3 years before I will be able to have a full time schedule. That's a LONG time. I would like to stay with the company I am with, as I am used to it. I have some issues with bipolar disorder, OCD & panic attacks, so unfamiliar places/situations don't always turn out so well. This is the longest I have ever worked at one place, and I feel comfortable there. I know what needs to be done, & how to do it. I get free rein on how I want to run the front end, and manage cashiers. I love the paperwork. Part of the reason I love this store so much is that I was there in the beginning. I helped set up the store & open it. I take a huge amount of pride in it.

I'm waiting to hear if my friend has had her baby yet. She is due October 9th. We were supposed to do something yesterday, but I called her, and went straight to voicemail. I'm guessing she was in labor. We're not super close, so I guess it will be a few days before I hear anything. It's her first, a girl. I can't wait.

My job is in retail, which I sometimes love, & sometimes hate. I've been at my store for 5 years, so I make a pretty good amount of money hourly, better than I made when I worked in an office, actually. Also, since I have been there a long time, I am afforded a certain amount of leeway. I pretty much do a management job, and I have been told that when I come back full time, I would be promoted soon. The problem is that even with a promotion, and a raise, I would actually end up LOSING money due to 2 kids in daycare. I have told my company how much I need to be able to be back full time, and they are not willing at this time to pay it. Maybe in the future, but not now. So, essentially, I work to keep food in the house, and gas in our car.

Got called in unexpectedly to work a few hours today. It was fine, at least I didn't have to watch the disaster that was the 2nd half of the Bears game. I LOVE my Bears, but really, I'm glad I didn't see it. And I will have a few extra hours on my check next pay period. I am thinking of getting an overnight job, but really, I don't get enough sleep to function now, getting less probably isn't the best idea. I might try & do it temporarily through the holidays though, so my kids have a nice Christmas.

Just a vent. Maybe details later

I wish my in-laws would just leave the parenting of my children to me. There is a reason all of their own kids are screwed up. I hate being judgemental, but I think I know what is best for my kids. Child rearing has changed a lot in 40 years.

I'm feeling a little less hopeless today. We're still in debt, but everything important is being taken care of. We have a roof over our head, and food to eat. Things are being worked on with creditiors, and it's very tight financially. But, it could be worse. There are many people who have it worse than I do. There are peole living in shelters, or on the streets with nothing. Yes, I do feel sorry for myself sometimes, but trust me, I know it could be worse. I am thankful that my kids don't know we're poor. They will never starve. We might not be able to buy them everything they want, but they have everything they need. Which, for today, is enough.

I am fat. I wasn't always fat, but I have been for the last 3 years, since my middle son was born. I am a comfort eater. It doesn't really matter what I eat, when I am stressed, anything will do. I am not too particular. Once I ate a frozen dinner still cold because I could not wait for it to cook. I have food issues. I have an eating disorder. Most people would laugh if they heard me say that, because I am fat. I cannot stop eating. I try & do other things, but food just calls to me. I have no control. We have no $, so a lot of the stuff I eat is cheap processed food, which I know is bad for me, but we can afford it. Also, it's quick to make, which is a bonus. I make sure my kids eat well, but i can't seem to do the same for myself. I am pathetic.

My payweek this week, which means $300. Sigh. I hate bills.

I love my boys. Things are tough, but my love for them is what keeps me going every day. If I didn't have them, I don't know what I would do. My 10 yr old JS is in 5th grade this year. I can't believe how fast time has gone, sometimes it seems like yesterday he was still a baby. But, no , he's big, and before I know it he will be off to Jr. high, then High school, then college. Funnily enough, with the little 2, I can't see that far ahead yet. Maybe because they still need me so much, and JS doesn't anymore. Yes, he still needs me, but he doesn't depend on me for everything like BD & JN do. I feel like I fail them sometimes. I lose my patience, and yell. I get stressed, and have them play by themselves. I hate that I can't give them things they want, even though all their needs are taken care of. I want to give them more. I want to be able to not worry how much everything costs all the time. I want to have a real Christmas for once this year, even though I know it is not going to happen. I have to pay bills first & foremost, so we can TRY & get out of this horrible situation. Hopefully by next year this time we will have made some headway. We have to. I don't know how much longer we can live like this.

I keep trying, but get nowhere.

I'm still not too sure what I want this to be. I start writing drafts, but they end up being extremely ranty, or depressing. Most of the time, that's what I feel at that second, but later I am ok. I really want to write, and not only when I am angry or sad. I want to be able to archive my life without only being sad. I want more of the puzzle, as there is much more to me than my bipolar disorder. I'm more than a diagnosis. I'm more than a mom. So, I'll figure everything out soon, I think.

Starting over

I've blogged before, but got discouraged & quit. Lost focus or something maybe. Not quite sure where I want to go with this blog, I know there is a lot that I would like to say, we'll just see how it all gets out there.