I am doing ok. Just have been too busy to post.

I keep telling myself that it won't get any worse, but then it does. I'm not sleeping, my 4 yr old is having nightmares. For the last 4 nights, I have been up every 30 minutes or so with screaming. He won't tell me what is wrong, he just whines. He won't sleep with me either, so that is out. I am tired. I feel guilty for the miscarriage, as I really did not want another baby. I know it's not my fault, but maybe if I had been happier, instead of crying, I'd still be pregnant. But honestly, I would go crazy with another child. I can barely handle the ones I have. I fell like I am a bad mom, because I am so sad all the time. I want to be happy with my kids, but I am just overwhelmed. I can not wait until they are all in school all day, so I can work, & be around adults all day. I was going to put them in daycare, but I would end up bringing home less money than I do now. Also, if I went back full time, I would be required to work Saturdays, and I don't have anyone who can take the kids them. So, I'm stuck at home, dealing with everything the best I can right now. I wil ltry & write more when I am not so damn tired

Thanks for worrying.....

Hi Jodi! I'm ok, life has just gotten in the way of blogging, and I have had some stuff go on that I didn't want to write about. My thyroid is worse, meds aren't making me any better. Money is still tight, but we are making some progress. Seeing ANOTHER new Endo this month, he's the head of Endocrinology at a hospital near me. Since I am not making progress, I want the best. Something has got to give. I had an oops pregnancy, which was quite a surprise, since my husband had a vasectomy last year. Due to my thyroid isuues, I miscarried at 7 weeks. We are sad, but ok. Thank goodness we had decided not to tell very many people, the pain would have been too much to bear if everyone was asking me if I was ok. My marriage is barely hanging on by a thread right now, but we are committed, and want to stay married, so we are seeing a therapist. There is a lot in our relationship past that we need to let go & forgive each other for. I will write more in depth when I feel up to it. Thanks for worrying. :)

So....Christmas

Actually wasn't too bad. I got socks from my oldest son :) It was the only present I got, but that's ok, Christmas really is for the kids anyway. It looks like Toys-R-Us exploded in my house. My mom went a bit crazy buying for the boys, becuase she knew we couldn't. Even had a pretty good day at the in laws on Christmas Day, which was a miracle in itself. A few minor things, but the kids had fun, and got more presents.

New bloodwork is being done next week, and endo appt the week after. We'll see where I am. Still gaining weight, so my levels are off. I have been eating SO healthy, and working out too. I am getting discouraged. I know I will be ok, but I am SO sick of being fat.

34 today

It's kind of depressing when your family forgets your birthday.

The kindness of strangers

Today, a very unexpected thing happened to me. It was probably one of the nicest thigs anyone has ever done for me actually. It actually made me feel Christmassy for the first time this year. I was grocery shopping with my 2 youngest this morning. While we were in teh store, I was checking my lsit, comparing coupons, & figuring out what I could afford to buy. I was approached by a very nice lady. She was telling me about all the buy one, get one free specials foir the holidays. I showed her the ones I had gotten, & explained thta I was on a very strict budget, so my kids could have a nice Christmas. We talked for a minute, said Merry Christmas, and went our seperate ways. When I was finished at the checkout, she came to me with 4 bags full of food, and put them in my cart. She had gotten all the buy one get one free specials, and was giving me the "free" ones. I offered her money, she said no, she remembers what it was like to have small children, & struggle to buy food. I almost cried. I said Thank you, and she walked away. It restores my faith in humanity. I am so happy. It helps us so much to be able to have some extras sometimes.

I hate the holidays. I can't wait until they are over.