I love my boys. Things are tough, but my love for them is what keeps me going every day. If I didn't have them, I don't know what I would do. My 10 yr old JS is in 5th grade this year. I can't believe how fast time has gone, sometimes it seems like yesterday he was still a baby. But, no , he's big, and before I know it he will be off to Jr. high, then High school, then college. Funnily enough, with the little 2, I can't see that far ahead yet. Maybe because they still need me so much, and JS doesn't anymore. Yes, he still needs me, but he doesn't depend on me for everything like BD & JN do. I feel like I fail them sometimes. I lose my patience, and yell. I get stressed, and have them play by themselves. I hate that I can't give them things they want, even though all their needs are taken care of. I want to give them more. I want to be able to not worry how much everything costs all the time. I want to have a real Christmas for once this year, even though I know it is not going to happen. I have to pay bills first & foremost, so we can TRY & get out of this horrible situation. Hopefully by next year this time we will have made some headway. We have to. I don't know how much longer we can live like this.