Got called in unexpectedly to work a few hours today. It was fine, at least I didn't have to watch the disaster that was the 2nd half of the Bears game. I LOVE my Bears, but really, I'm glad I didn't see it. And I will have a few extra hours on my check next pay period. I am thinking of getting an overnight job, but really, I don't get enough sleep to function now, getting less probably isn't the best idea. I might try & do it temporarily through the holidays though, so my kids have a nice Christmas.

Just a vent. Maybe details later

I wish my in-laws would just leave the parenting of my children to me. There is a reason all of their own kids are screwed up. I hate being judgemental, but I think I know what is best for my kids. Child rearing has changed a lot in 40 years.

I'm feeling a little less hopeless today. We're still in debt, but everything important is being taken care of. We have a roof over our head, and food to eat. Things are being worked on with creditiors, and it's very tight financially. But, it could be worse. There are many people who have it worse than I do. There are peole living in shelters, or on the streets with nothing. Yes, I do feel sorry for myself sometimes, but trust me, I know it could be worse. I am thankful that my kids don't know we're poor. They will never starve. We might not be able to buy them everything they want, but they have everything they need. Which, for today, is enough.

I am fat. I wasn't always fat, but I have been for the last 3 years, since my middle son was born. I am a comfort eater. It doesn't really matter what I eat, when I am stressed, anything will do. I am not too particular. Once I ate a frozen dinner still cold because I could not wait for it to cook. I have food issues. I have an eating disorder. Most people would laugh if they heard me say that, because I am fat. I cannot stop eating. I try & do other things, but food just calls to me. I have no control. We have no $, so a lot of the stuff I eat is cheap processed food, which I know is bad for me, but we can afford it. Also, it's quick to make, which is a bonus. I make sure my kids eat well, but i can't seem to do the same for myself. I am pathetic.

My payweek this week, which means $300. Sigh. I hate bills.

I love my boys. Things are tough, but my love for them is what keeps me going every day. If I didn't have them, I don't know what I would do. My 10 yr old JS is in 5th grade this year. I can't believe how fast time has gone, sometimes it seems like yesterday he was still a baby. But, no , he's big, and before I know it he will be off to Jr. high, then High school, then college. Funnily enough, with the little 2, I can't see that far ahead yet. Maybe because they still need me so much, and JS doesn't anymore. Yes, he still needs me, but he doesn't depend on me for everything like BD & JN do. I feel like I fail them sometimes. I lose my patience, and yell. I get stressed, and have them play by themselves. I hate that I can't give them things they want, even though all their needs are taken care of. I want to give them more. I want to be able to not worry how much everything costs all the time. I want to have a real Christmas for once this year, even though I know it is not going to happen. I have to pay bills first & foremost, so we can TRY & get out of this horrible situation. Hopefully by next year this time we will have made some headway. We have to. I don't know how much longer we can live like this.

I keep trying, but get nowhere.