I keep telling myself that it won't get any worse, but then it does. I'm not sleeping, my 4 yr old is having nightmares. For the last 4 nights, I have been up every 30 minutes or so with screaming. He won't tell me what is wrong, he just whines. He won't sleep with me either, so that is out. I am tired. I feel guilty for the miscarriage, as I really did not want another baby. I know it's not my fault, but maybe if I had been happier, instead of crying, I'd still be pregnant. But honestly, I would go crazy with another child. I can barely handle the ones I have. I fell like I am a bad mom, because I am so sad all the time. I want to be happy with my kids, but I am just overwhelmed. I can not wait until they are all in school all day, so I can work, & be around adults all day. I was going to put them in daycare, but I would end up bringing home less money than I do now. Also, if I went back full time, I would be required to work Saturdays, and I don't have anyone who can take the kids them. So, I'm stuck at home, dealing with everything the best I can right now. I wil ltry & write more when I am not so damn tired

Thanks for worrying.....

Hi Jodi! I'm ok, life has just gotten in the way of blogging, and I have had some stuff go on that I didn't want to write about. My thyroid is worse, meds aren't making me any better. Money is still tight, but we are making some progress. Seeing ANOTHER new Endo this month, he's the head of Endocrinology at a hospital near me. Since I am not making progress, I want the best. Something has got to give. I had an oops pregnancy, which was quite a surprise, since my husband had a vasectomy last year. Due to my thyroid isuues, I miscarried at 7 weeks. We are sad, but ok. Thank goodness we had decided not to tell very many people, the pain would have been too much to bear if everyone was asking me if I was ok. My marriage is barely hanging on by a thread right now, but we are committed, and want to stay married, so we are seeing a therapist. There is a lot in our relationship past that we need to let go & forgive each other for. I will write more in depth when I feel up to it. Thanks for worrying. :)

So....Christmas

Actually wasn't too bad. I got socks from my oldest son :) It was the only present I got, but that's ok, Christmas really is for the kids anyway. It looks like Toys-R-Us exploded in my house. My mom went a bit crazy buying for the boys, becuase she knew we couldn't. Even had a pretty good day at the in laws on Christmas Day, which was a miracle in itself. A few minor things, but the kids had fun, and got more presents.

New bloodwork is being done next week, and endo appt the week after. We'll see where I am. Still gaining weight, so my levels are off. I have been eating SO healthy, and working out too. I am getting discouraged. I know I will be ok, but I am SO sick of being fat.

34 today

It's kind of depressing when your family forgets your birthday.

The kindness of strangers

Today, a very unexpected thing happened to me. It was probably one of the nicest thigs anyone has ever done for me actually. It actually made me feel Christmassy for the first time this year. I was grocery shopping with my 2 youngest this morning. While we were in teh store, I was checking my lsit, comparing coupons, & figuring out what I could afford to buy. I was approached by a very nice lady. She was telling me about all the buy one, get one free specials foir the holidays. I showed her the ones I had gotten, & explained thta I was on a very strict budget, so my kids could have a nice Christmas. We talked for a minute, said Merry Christmas, and went our seperate ways. When I was finished at the checkout, she came to me with 4 bags full of food, and put them in my cart. She had gotten all the buy one get one free specials, and was giving me the "free" ones. I offered her money, she said no, she remembers what it was like to have small children, & struggle to buy food. I almost cried. I said Thank you, and she walked away. It restores my faith in humanity. I am so happy. It helps us so much to be able to have some extras sometimes.

I hate the holidays. I can't wait until they are over.

I've been a bit better lately, partly because of the thyroid meds, partly because I am in kind of a manic phase. I've been cleaning my house like crazy, and organizing & geting rid of tons of stuff. It's not enough though, because we still have too much crap for our small apartment. With Christmas coming, I know we will get even more useless crap for the kids. We don't buy much, I only spend maye $50 per kid, and only my own. Besides that, I only buy 3 $30 presents for the kids grab bag on Christmas. We don't buy for adults, and no one buys for us. I would love to be able to shop for my nieces & nephews, (I have 4) but the truth is, their parents have a lot more disposable income than we do, and they get pretty much anything they want anyway. I won't let my SIL's or BIL's buy for our kids either, even though they sneak gifts in through Grandma & Grandpa. I feel bad. My kids always have a decent Christmas, which I am greatful for, as there is no way I could afford to do it by myself. My parents love buying stuff for the boys. If I even NEED anything that I can't find at the thrift store, or at Target, I ask, and usually it turns up. I ONLY ask if it's for the boys though, I don't ask for money to pay bills, or anything like that. I am thankful that small things can be taken care of by someone else, even though sometimes, I would really appreciate if they would babysit for a night or 2 sometime more. I know we are in bad shape financially, but it could be worse. We do have enough money to have a roof over our heads, it's just that some months are a bit leaner than others. We can handle it, I think. If everything goes according to plan, we will be mostly debt free in 18 months. Then we can start saving for a house :)